One day, one terrible day, I was angry at one of the kids. I think I may have actually been angry at the world that day. I was trying to get them to do the bedtime things that need doing and one poor soul was in the living room. I had him pick up something he didn't get out and he did, cheerfully for him. I thanked him, I really did. I was trying to be appreciative. Then I asked him to do one other related thing. He ignored me and went to "take care of" something else that didn't need taking care of. So I stopped him and redirected him to what I wanted done. One thing leads to another. He is doing this mindless fluttering around thing he does when he is stressed and I am snapping. Suddenly, my husband is yelling. At *me*.
Yeah. Low moment. And now I'm "explaining" myself and my frustration. And he is explaining louder. We rarely argue. It was so unusual, that said child split at the first chance. As soon as bedtime was finished, I went and got in the shower. Now, the shower is *my* place. It's where I unwind. I clean my spirit in there. If I feel like crying, that's where I let it out. I talk to God and no one is interrupting us with ridiculous demands.
But... This time was different. I was angry. I was angry that my kids couldn't follow simple instructions. I was angry that my husband didn't understand (and I maybe felt he might be a bit hypocritical). I was angry at myself for feeling so angry. I didn't cry. I just didn't want to cry. I talked to God. I told Him I just didn't feel sorry. I told Him my anger and pride were getting in the way of me being sorry. I told Him I wanted to be sorry, I just didn't feel like it right then. I knew my pride was hurting me.
As I turned off the water, I suddenly felt better. It was like my pride and anger had surrendered to the King. I knew I sometimes I am demanding. I knew sometimes said child has a hard time listening or focusing or whatever the deal is. I knew my husband is human. Just like me. We are all doing the best we can (most of the time). There was nothing wrong with lovingly pointing my flaw out to me, I just couldn't listen right then.
I just couldn't listen right then.
How many times do I keep on harping when the kids have stopped hearing me?
My pride was in the way.
I could not let go and be remorseful because my pride was in the way.
I was sorry and I cried and I repented. And I know my Father forgave me.
2 Cor 7:9-10
9 yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
This post is part of Blogging Through the Alphabet with Annette and Amanda. I'm late posting R, but I think it's a good message and I really needed to click "Publish" and get it up there. Thanks for reading.